Trust Me

I have a really hard time trusting people. I suppose I always have. It’s probably because I recognize the power someone has to completely destroy your trust once you become vulnerable enough to give it to them fully. And it seems no matter how cautious I am about who I give my trust to, nor how strong the bond or relationship is, someone still manages to disappoint and hurt me. Who are you? Do I even really know? Is the mask on now or did you just take it off? It’s a confusing whirlwind of broken promises and nonsense! Needless to say, I’m tired of this shit.

I think my difficulty trusting people comes, in part, to the fact that people change. Generally, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. But in my experience it’s never really been a good thing, either. People have the tendency to change not because they want to for themselves but because they feel the need to for someone else. That, to me, is one of the shadiest and most unintelligent things you can do. Why can’t you just be who you are (flaws and all) and, God forbid, be accepted for it? If you find yourself changing for someone else, the reality is they’re probably not someone you really want to associate with in the first place. If they were, they’d ask you to never change. You’d be loved and accepted just as you are, never feeling the need to become someone or something completely different in order to please another person. That’s how good relationships should be. Anything else just doesn’t make sense. Yeah, I like you…but I’d like you even more if you were different. <ahem> Bye, Felicia.

I don’t do well with change, we all know this…it makes me uncomfortable, like I can’t find solid ground to stand on. Taking the time and putting forth the effort to get comfortable with changes is often exhausting and not worth my time. It’s almost guaranteed that the minute I accept the change and feel a little less nauseous about it all, it’ll be time for it to change again. In an attempt to protect myself, through failure or success, I just choose not to deal with it entirely. This may not be the healthiest way to go through life, but it’ll sure save me a lot on stress and heartache. Any opportunity I have to save myself of those issues, trust me, I’m taking it. Walking away from someone you care about isn’t easy; but when you recognize that they’re no longer even a remote shred of the person you’ve known, it’s a necessary decision. How can you trust someone who, seemingly, doesn’t even know who they are? You can’t. You could certainly try, but it won’t work. You’ll constantly be on edge wondering when they’re going to flip the script again, because you know for a fact they will.

In my opinion, if we have a relationship between us, I know you who are and you’re in my life because of that. I trust you in some way. I’ve given my time, energy, and care into building the bonds between us with the expectation that they will never be broken. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m flexible. If one day we’re mowing down cheeseburgers and the next day you’re in a diet, cool…I get that. I can roll with it as long as you’re cool with me still ordering the burger when you ask for the field greens and kale *insert vomit sounds*. It’s okay to change and it’s okay to grow. It can be a beautiful thing. But becoming a completely different person is where I draw the line; especially if it’s in clear correlation with the influence of someone else. When you decide to change everything about you, it’s like you’ve become a stranger. What is considered “typical” is no longer the norm. The person I have shared so much with is like a shadow to who you’ve become. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I’m hurt and I’m lost. But it was your decision to change, and I have to accept that whether I want to or not. 

If you know someone who is choosing to change everything about themselves, wish them well. In the end, when you love someone you’ve known for so long, all you truly want is their happiness. By maintaining those desires for someone regardless of their decisions, you are ensuring that no matter the situation, no circumstance will change how you feel or who you are. And trust me, thats the best happy ending this story can have.

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