Okay, even I cannot deny that there is no good excuse for me not having written in so long. If you know me in person, than you’re aware of how hectic my life has been since my last post. The last time you heard from me, I was bluntly discussing my experience with miscarriage and how it was affecting my daily life. I was currently in the process of trying to get pregnant again as I was convinced that was the only way I could fill the massive void in my heart and soul. Sex was very mechanical for me. I really only wanted one thing out of it: a baby. After each love-making session, I would speak to my baby asking him (I believed he was a boy) to come back to me. I promised that I could make him a newer, stronger body than what he was given before if only he would choose me again. I was using healing stones of rose quartz, carnelian and moonstone to try and aid in the process. I probably would have looked absolutely nuts to anyone aware of what I was doing. It was my deep dark secret pain and I was trying to alleviate it with any sort of concoction I could muster up. It was emotionally agonizing and complicated, but I was desperately seeking sanctuary in pregnancy. Shortly after my miscarriage post went public, I found out I WAS PREGNANT! I barely had any time to gather myself from the loss (which, do you really ever?) before I was being thrown into the joys of being pregnant again. I didn’t even tell Joe in any sort of exciting way like I did the first time and I definitely regret that a little. It’s complicated…how could I have been so naive to think the pain of losing a child would immediately go away when you find out you’re pregnant with another one? I mean, I was definitely excited, but I was also incredibly terrified. In my mind, the first thoughts I had once I saw the big plus sign on the pee stick was “oh my God!…wait, oh my God…I can’t go through this again.” And that fear didn’t leave me until the baby was almost here. I’m sure a great majority of Mom’s, first timers or not, probably feel the exact same way. Those feelings are definitely amplified when you’ve lost your baby before. I was hopeful, but I was also really really scared. There were some days when Joe and I would have a weak moment. We knew we were supposed to be super happy about this pregnancy, but we were still reeling from the traumatic experience we had so recently endured. We agreed that it was okay for us to feel this way and that, as long as we had each other to lean on, we were going to be just fine. We took it slow and went through the motions the best we could. Being there for each other was crucial during that time and it made all the difference. My mom would often bring up turning my old bedroom at her house into a nursery, how awesome it would be to have a room for the baby at her house, and how she would decorate it. I would often dance around the subject and try to avoid talking about it. She questioned me like “are you not liking this idea or what’s the problem?” It made me uncomfortable to discuss it because I was fearful something would happen to the baby and it wouldn’t come to fruition. She kept trying to remind me that if I didn’t try to enjoy some of this process, regardless of my fears, I might end up regretting it. And she was right…I knew deep down inside how much I would hate it if I didn’t allow myself to enjoy this as much as possible. Every passing day, I tried to let go a little more. It was really hard, but I knew I had to try.
Luckily, I never had any bad pregnancy symptoms aside from mild nausea in the mornings for the first 8 weeks. It was hard for me to eat so I ended up losing about 15 pounds in the first 4 months. The only thing that ever sounded remotely appetizing was donuts (yum!) and health-wise I certainly didn’t wanna stuff myself full of those, but after losing so much weight the Dr finally told me to just EAT! Whatever sounded good, I was allowed to eat it. Once that phase passed, I didn’t have any other symptoms. I was blessed!
Every doctors appointment brought on a massive amount of anxiety. Will they find a heartbeat? What am I going to do if they don’t? Is the baby going to have all of it’s fingers and toes or would there be some sort of genetic problem? I was feeling so good with my health overall that I was convinced it could be a sign something was wrong with the baby. As if things couldn’t have been that simple with as complicated as they were before. The list of fears were endless and believe me, even if it was a short list, with the way I worry I would have found a way to make the list longer. With every positive ultrasound and every little kick or roll inside me, I was slowly (very slowly) getting more sure that this time something was different. Around 16 weeks, we had our genetic screening done which came back negative for any issues and the Dr checked for the gender. We asked that she write the gender in an envelope so we could have a gender reveal party. My sister purchased a big black balloon and asked the person filling the balloon to put the corresponding gender colored confetti into it. No one had seen inside the envelope, so it was a surprise to all of us. Our families got together at my Grandparents house and Joe and I popped the balloon. Blue confetti fell all over the both of us and everyone shouted IT’S A BOY! We were so excited! I knew deep in my heart that my little boy came back to me. I have never been more sure about anything in my whole life.
I really enjoyed the Tuesdays Joe and I spent together a little more than I did before, simply because it wasn’t just the two of us…Joe and I had a stronger bond. He made me a Mom and I made him a Dad. The future we would share looked a little brighter than it did before. This is what we had been working towards. Starting a family was what we wanted and to be in that process was a really exciting time. Pregnancy looked good on me and I was being treated so well by everyone in my life. I took maternity leave 2 days before my birthday which gave me about a month until my due date to get everything ready for the baby and spend some time relaxing prior to his arrival. I was really enjoying myself and soaking up every minute of it.
After the 34th week, Joe and I would go places where we could do a lot of walking like Disneyland or the beach. I never cut back on how much I was walking after I got pregnant which I was told was a good thing. On Wednesday May 31st, Joe took me to the beach in the early morning hours on a “walk out baby” date. We walked up and down the beach for about two hours just enjoying the early morning air and the sunrise. That evening, I noticed how much of my tummy was all baby…I even commented on how it seemed there was hardly any room left in there for him. The following morning, my water broke. Then very early on June 2nd, our little baby boy was born.
As a woman who has suffered a miscarriage (like so many have) pregnancy the second time around can be an exciting and equally frightening time. Personally, I didn’t quite know how to feel through most of it and found myself judging my overall state of mind through many of the early weeks. It took a long time to get more comfortable with the idea that it was real and I was going to have a baby. I was lucky to have the support and excitement of my friends and family which made this process a little easier. It allowed me to try to relax and enjoy the whole experience seeing how much excitement they had for us. My advice to anyone who has suffered a miscarriage and is currently in their second time around…try to enjoy it. I know you’re scared shitless and nothing in life is promised, but with the love of your family and, more importantly, the love you have for your baby, things will work out as they’re supposed to. You just have to find a little faith.
Stay tuned for my labor and delivery story…post coming soon!